To Kuya Noks

I learned the shocking news of your passing early yesterday thru the FB Messenger Group Chat of former CCFI Youth members. It shocked me. Through the years, since we lost contact, I never really imagined that you will go the way you did. Although I am all too aware of health issues even from 20 years ago. 

I guess I have forgotten that you, along with me and all other human beings in the planet, have grown old. I'm sorry if we lost touch. I searched for your Conversation in FB Messenger and I was painfully reminded how many times you tried to reach out to me. I apologize if I haven't even tried to reply. I guess I'm too busy to do so...or maybe I just don't want to. Or maybe I'm ashamed because I may have thought that you will condemn me for the life I chose to live. I never even gave you a chance and for that I am truly sorry. 

 I remember your generosity and your kindness. I remember you always had the time to listen, to give advice. I remember your leadership. Most of all, I remember you being a true big brother to me and for that I am thankful. My thoughts are with your family today. 

To be honest, I never thought you'd marry. I knew you were praying for someone to share your life with but I also know that you don't mind being single. You were always quick to point out that singlehood is a blessing. You just don't know how happy I was for you when I saw you post a photo of your wedding day. How I smiled when I learned that you were blessed with child. Sadly, I didn't even bother to comment and say my congratulations. I should have let you know that I am celebrating your happiness with you. 

 And now, you're gone. There's no chance for me to even say how thankful, how happy or even how sorry I was for not getting in touch. I now realize my mistake and I think that no matter how far I was from the Christian spectrum, you would have understood. Afterall, you're my big brother and you never failed to understand anything.

You lived a good life, Kuya Noks. You have fought a good fight. You have kept the faith. 

There are so many things that that I regret and if I could turn back time, I would not have resisted your attempts to revive our relationship. I'm sorry if you became one of the victims of my "forgetting the old life" phase. I know better now and moving forward, I know what I should do.

Thank you and God speed.